House Of Cards
by Crystilia Aerosine
Summary: Follow the Joker and his hostages as they play a game together. Drabbles. Rated for language, implied violence, and VERY slight onesided Batman/Joker. R&R!
1. Joker

**This is my first drabble story. It's tons of chapters, but short material. In fact most aren't even 100 words. And it's also _all _dialogue.**

**Note: You may need a minimal amount of knowledge when it comes to the comics. Some names from the comics will be mentioned, but a good knowledge of all the movies or Batman wiki will be enough.**

**I hope you enjoy! Point out any mistakes, the story was written in one sitting so I was getting tired and a horrible backache! R&R for my hardships!  
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House Of Cards**

**Joker**

_Well _hello there. I see you're _finally_ waking up. It took long enough. I suppose that means the drugs were worth the purchase. Que the lights and open the curtains boys and girlies, I'm here to give you a show you'll _never_ forget. I'll be your host as we view this little spectacle, a house of cards you could say. Sit back and relax, just don't move too much, you'll set off the _par_ty fa_vors_. Yes those are wired _bombs_, so I'd be careful. We'll be playing a _game_ to pass the time. We'll look a each card in a shuffled deck and I'll relate it to something. So let's begin, _shall_ we? Oh! Look it's the joker. So enigmatic, so strange. The joker follows no rules, no or-_der_. The card that no one wants to see in their hand. That's _moi_. The Ace of Knaves, Clown Prince of Crime, The _Joker_! Dun, dun, duhhhhh. Ahahahaha…


	2. Ace of Spades

**House Of Cards**

**Ace of Spades**

Batsy, batsy, _bat_sy. My favorite flying mammal. My darling chiropteran-obsessed nemesis. Speaking of tall, dark, and dim, he's been circling the building for about an hour. Looking for a way to get _you_ all out. Too bad the whole shebang is bat-proof. Oh well… Now about batsy, we've known each other for some time now. Always with the hitting and the punching… But we love each other underneath it all I _swear._


	3. Ace of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Ace of Diamonds**

Gotham, this big bat-trap that we all call home. So full of glittering wealth and putrid filth. The only city on _Earth_, The Joker would call home. It's just deceiving enough and evil enough by night and pretty enough by day to draw me light a bat to a crime.


	4. Ace of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Ace of Clubs**

What has 200 legs but no brain to speak of? Tah _dah_! The Gotham police force! Oh he, oh ha… _Well_ laugh. Haha, good hostages. Do as Uncle Joker says.


	5. Ace of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Ace of Hearts**

If you think Gotham the city is bad, you'd be _disgusted_ to hear that all the idiots who live here think it's pretty charming. _Puh-lease._ What kinda drugs has Crane been sneaking into the water this time?


	6. Queen of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Queen of Diamonds**

Dedicated to Gotham's most _catty_ jewel thief. Miss Catwoman. I bet she just _loves_ how similar her and _my_ batsy are. What with their oh-so-_original_ costumes and names. I bet she just goes into _fits_ of delight when Bats throws her a second glance. But the bitchy little kitty needs to wise up and realize that she'll _never_ have him. I'll always be the _one_ that he goes running for when the call comes in. And one day, he'll recognize that there's more out there than what the cat dragged in.


	7. Queen of Spades

**Talia al Ghul - Ra's al Ghul's daughter. One of Batman's love interests in the comics. **

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House Of Cards**

**Queen of Spades**

Talia al Ghul, the queen of _nin_jas. Pretty little demoness with a fondness for, again, _my_ Bat. What's up with all these chicks thinking they can mosey into my territory? They should know by now that I won't _take_ that. But no matter, I'll just deal with them one bullet at a time.


	8. Two of Spades

**Jonathan Swift proposed the eating of babies to combat the growing numbers of poverty-stricken people. He was being satirical of course, but it was a strange read none the less. Read "A Modest Proposal", it's very interesting.**

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House Of Cards**

**Two of Spades**

Now there is nothing I _despise_ more than those two-bit petty thieves that make their homes in the slums of our fine city. A joint like this deserves _more_ then that. You'd think the mafia would have realized that and started to pick these lesser beings off. But, alas, they continue to live in ignorance of changing times, leaving our city to rot with decadence and lack of a good control measure. Where is Jonathan Swift and his glorious ideas when we need him?


	9. Ten of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Ten of Hearts**

Gotta love these rich broads running around marrying anything as wealthy as they are. These little _heiresses_ have too much time on their hands and a smidgen too much of daddy's money to be alive. Girls like them only look good face down in a _ditch_. Don't you agree ladies?


	10. Seven of Clubs

**The Joker is unaware that Batman and Bruce are the same person. :D**

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House Of Cards**

**Seven of Clubs**

Now if those heiresses are bad, then Bruce _fucking_ Wayne is the devil. He's worse than _me_, and I gotta tell ya, that's saying something. He's the richest of the rich and the one all these girlies want to screw. Bet he probably can only think with his dick and wipes his pompous _ass_ with his millions. I should really kill him one of these days, might make for an _interesting_ argument with the Bat.


	11. Nine of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Nine of Diamonds**

You know what's sick? All those dollars that the rich folk of Gotham just flush down their drains. So many nicer things could be done with those green scraps of paper. Think of the origami and bonfires. I'd _love_ to see a tower of burning paper cranes.


	12. Jack of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Jack of Clubs**

What's black and blue and red all over? Take a _wild_ guess. No, no. _Actually_ guess. Fuck no, not a _newspaper_! My lovely victims that's what! Can't you see the beauty in their rigor mortis? What do you mean you don't know what that is? _God_ you are just useless! Thanks for playing Chuck, say hello to all the other losers in the great unknown.


	13. Three of Spades

**In the comics the Joker uses a gun that shoots out a banner that says "Bang!". The victim relaxes thinking their safe before the banner fires out as a harpoon and kills them. **

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House Of Cards**

**Three of Spades**

Stop looking at me like I'm _crazy_ or something. Jeez can't you take a joke? Ya know, a "Bang" banner coming out of a gun to scare'em before it turns into a deadly projectile? Man you have _no_ class. Kinda like the Riddler. Three is good for him. Odd but otherwise worthless. Hahaha….


	14. Four of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Four of Hearts**

What about Poison Ivy? Ah yes, Miss Long _Green_ Legs. She'd be nice if I wasn't already seeing someone, a handsome _Bat_ for example. But I'm not really into the PETA _thing_… I like my cows _bloody_ and _dead_. The same as everything else I like!


	15. Queen of Hearts

**Harley Quinn - Joker's girlfriend in the comics. Red and Black costume and calls him Puddin'.**

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House Of Cards**

**Queen of Hearts**

_Har, har, Harley Quinn_. My least favorite, and only, Hench Wench. In all her _spectacular_ Clown-loving glory. Don't get me wrong, she's a cute little bitch, but I prefer my ass nice and batty (not cuckoo).


	16. Ten of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Two of Diamonds**

Wanna know another _icy_ villain? Victor Fries. Too bad, for all his technical skill, he's not too bright.


	17. Eight of Spades

**House Of Cards**

**Eight of Spades**

The mafia is best criminal gig in this town, below _me_ of course. But if they'd just listen to some of my _suggestions_, maybe they'd be even better! If only they'd replace those damn guns with a nice _knife_. Oh how I love knives. What? What's with those faces? Ok I know knives are kinda _slow_, but you can't trump the classics!


	18. King of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**King of Diamonds**

Don't you just love Gordy? Ya know, the priceless, incorruptible _Commissioner_ of our great city. He's just the most resilient geriatric on the force! You've never had him pointing an M16 at your head, have you? Well I have kids! And I'll tell you, it's _thrilling_.


	19. Six of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Six of Clubs**

Arkham, Arkham, Arkham we love you, you giant _fucking _padded _box_.


	20. Nine of Spades

**The toxin the Joker refers to is Joker Toxin. It makes the victim die with a wide grin on their face.**

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House Of Cards**

**Nine of Spades**

My favorite Arkhamite brother, _Spooky of the Straw._ I respect his performance, especially because he's the only one not _gunning_ for my Bat. He's got a few good quirks too. I appreciate any criminal with a _brain_. And a brain he has! That's a nice cocktail he's got, one that I'll admit I have a _slight_ envy for. But it doesn't matter; I've got my own toxins to spread amongst the population. Crane notwithstanding.


	21. Jack of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Jack of Hearts**

I may be kind of a freak, but I'm a freak with a heart. And it belongs to Batsy. It always has and always will. Without him I wouldn't _exist_ and without him I'd just be another face in the crowd. Just another _sheep_.


	22. Eight of Diamonds

**Penguin is the villain name of Oswald Copplepot, I believe. He is a rich villain who carries an umbrella with a spike on the end. **

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House Of Cards**

**Eight of Diamonds**

There really are some _weirdoes_ in Gotham. Penguin for one. Like what the _fuck_? Penguin? What the hell was that stunted little freak thinking? But don't tell him, or then I'll be out of a source of revenue. He's fairly easy to get money out of, since he's wealthy as shit. Well he's a diamond for his money and his _ice_. Hoooo haa!


	23. Queen of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Queen of Clubs**

You wanna see a worthless human being? Check Wayne's current whore out. She's slutty with a capital _slut_.


	24. Seven of Spades

**House Of Cards**

**Seven of Spades**

Murder is the most _beautiful_ art form on the planet. It may be even more beloved than my Bat. Well… Maybe not, but close. I wish I could be there at murder in the city. I'd be a _happy_ clown if I could. But even _I_ can't have everything. So I have to make up for it by creating even _more_ dead bodies for the morgue to look after. Those damn coroners have it _good_.


	25. Two of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Two of Hearts**

Wanna know how I got these _scars_? Well… It was my mother. She just _hated_ it when I was upset. You see dear ol' mum was kinda _strange_. She had this Munchausen Syndrome thing… Coupled with being bipolar with that split personality disorder… Well back to the story. She just couldn't _stand_ it. So one day… One day I get little heartbroken cause this girl I have a _thing_ for just doesn't recognize my special kind of _charm_. So I'm frowning. Not crying, no never crying, dad took care of that. Men don't cry after all. But so I'm frowning and she catches me. She's just _devastated_ by it. So she looks at me and smiles. That motherly kind of smile. And she comes up and hugs me real tight. She tells me that she'll make it _all_ better. And so I pull back, it's not strange for her to use _odd_ methods to fix things. Then she strikes. And now… Now I'm thinking she knew what she was doing.


	26. Two of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Two of Diamonds**

Wanna know another _icy_ villain? Victor Fries. Too bad, for all his technical skill, he's not too bright.


	27. King of Spades

**House Of Cards**

**King of Spades**

Ra's al Ghul, the _King_ of ninjas. Dearest daddy of the princess bitch who's after my handsome Bat. And so I _hate_ him just as much. The apple and its path falling from the tree after all.


	28. Three of Diamonds

**I _Hate_ cockroaches. :D**

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House Of Cards**

**Three of Diamonds**

Do you know how many rich _old_ people there are in Gotham? I swear that there are more elderly in the city than there are cockroaches. And I'll _tell_ ya. There are _tons_ of cockroaches in this town. In fact… You might wanna brush the one off your shoulder there pal.


	29. Four of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Four of Clubs**

For every five cops in the city four are paid off by the mob. Even the upstanding chicks are getting bought off. What is the world coming to?


	30. Five of Hearts

**This is my own variation of the Joker origin as stated in The Killing Joke comic, I think. I won't spoil it for you if you'd like to read it, but there was a girl named Jeannie and a baby and a fire involved. **

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House Of Cards**

**Five of Hearts**

Sometimes I get a little nostalgic… For the days when I had that pretty little girlfriend… Ah what nice days those were. Until the _little bitch_ ran off and got _pregnant_ with another fucker's _kid_. So I set the house on fire. Take that Jeannie.


	31. Ten of Spades

**House Of Cards**

**Ten of Spades**

The Bat has such a _huge_ group of villains to choose from. It makes me so _pleased_ to know that I'm still the favorite.


	32. Jack of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Jack of Diamonds**

Me again. Because I'm just such a _rich_ son of a bitch. You'd be surprised just how much money I've gotten off the mob and the city. You should see my bank account!


	33. King of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**King of Clubs**

Who's the king of the dicks in the city? The Mayor of course! He's just so _predictable_. It's pathetic really. He has _way_ too much faith in his police force. He needs to face reality. Oh look a supporter! You agree then Mac? Good! You'll be the last to die then my terrified little buddy!


	34. Six of Hearts

**If you paid attention, it was obvious the Joker switched directions on Batman when it came to getting to Harvey or Rachel.**

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House Of Cards**

**Six of Hearts**

I've never me a more headstrong bitch than the Bat's little hoe, Ra-ra… Rachel! It _hurt_ to have to lie to Batsy like that, and tell him the wrong directions. But I knew that little hussy was going to have to go the second Bats threw himself off a _goddamn building_ for her! That's a little _extreme_, wouldn't you say? I mean she couldn't have been _that_ important! Maybe she was a good screw, but jeez. Overkill much?


	35. Two of Clubs

**Arkham = Asylum in Gotham where dangerous, insane criminals, like the Joker, are sent. Just a refresher. **

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House Of Cards**

**Two of Clubs**

You know the workers at Arkham have to be the _dumbest_ cretins on the face of the Earth. They're the dullest of the _dull_ and that's why they can't keep me in that hellhole. Hire some smarter goons and maybe I'll consider sticking around for the _rousing_ conversation.


	36. Four of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Four of Diamonds**

There are so many _worthless_ purchases in Gotham. Everyone is so _concerned_ with how much money they've spent that week.


	37. Ten of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Ten of Clubs**

The only thing they have more of Gotham than stupid things to buy, and their _idiot_ buyers, are night clubs to waste your evening in. What a _terrible_ use of precious moments of your life.


	38. Seven of Hearts

**Glasgow Smiles, aka Chelsea Grins, are what the scars on the Joker's face are known as. They originated in Glasgow, Scotland. **

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House Of Cards**

**Seven of Hearts**

You wanna hear about a _good_ use of an evening? Try handing out razor blade apples on Halloween. Watch the _kiddies_ take that first bite and take pride in all the _permanent_ smiles you create. That's why Glasgow Smiles are on the rise you know. I've started a _trend_, I'll tell ya.


	39. Jack of Spades

**Jack Napier is one version of the Joker's real name. It is also the most widely excepted one. **

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House Of Cards**

**Jack of Spades**

This time the Jack isn't me. Nah… It's dear ol' Jack Napier. That _sap_ who thought the world was something more than it is. The world is nothing but a chaotic ball of _dirt_ spinning through the cosmos on a crash course. But Jacky realizes that _now_, I've smartened him up. Too bad Jacky didn't make it much father than Jeannie. He's about as _dead_ as you can be now. That's why he's a Spade, cause I buried him with one. Deep down in this handsome head of mine. _Poor_ Jack should've known better than to listen to the voice in his head that only he could hear.


	40. Five of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Five of Diamonds**

Knives. They're one of my few joys in life. I love how they look, how they work, how effective they are, how _cheap_ they are. Did you know that there are _hundreds_ of uses for knives? They're so multifunctional. So economical. And so _easy_ to dispose of with out a problem. You wanna kill a guy without being caught? Knives are a great place to start. You can't trace'em like bullets to a registered owner. They're so common that you can't raise suspicion by having one or two. Perfect killing weapons. Fun to use too.


	41. Three of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Three of Clubs**

My henchmen aren't that bright, but at least they get the damn job done. Unlike other people's. You wanna know the secret? Oh come on! It's a _fantastic_ one. That's _much _better. Now the secret's simple but effective. _Fear_. Kill off a few lackeys for fun and the rest start to learn _real_ quick.


	42. Eight of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Eight of Hearts**

You two… You're a _couple_ aren't you? See I'm pretty intuitive. Ah young _love_. How sick and sadistic that is. I might just have to let you live. Just so you can see just how _cruel_ love really can be. Wait he cheats, honey. Or wait till she upgrades to a, ahem, _larger_ model. Wait what did you just say?


	43. Nine of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Nine of Clubs**

The police? _Ha, fucking, Ha._ You think the _police_ are going save you? Now you're just _brainless_. Your _only_ chance is Batty. The police are more likely to kill you themselves in their idiocy then they are to actually _save_ all of you. Do you know how many cops would rather just let you _die_? The numbers of police brutality are on the rise, my friend. Lady Luck just isn't in your corner anymore. Especially not tonight. Thanks for the laugh, buddy, but you've just lost the game. See ya later, or not.


	44. Seven of Diamonds

**House Of Cards**

**Seven of Diamonds**

Stop your sniveling! _See_ sweetie, I told you it wouldn't last. Appearances are _deceiving_, I'm sure that's a _big_ shocker for all you naïve twits. But it's true. Just look at Gotham. Two towns over they think this place is paradise and fame all wrapped up in one. They can't imagine this place being anything less.


	45. Four of Spades

**House Of Cards**

**Four of Spades**

But you _know_. You know the _truth_ of it. You're the ones that _really_ wish you get out of here. But you're stuck. Too bad for you, right?


	46. Nine of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Nine of Hearts**

So many people think they can be the ones to _save_ Gotham. They think that if they just pick up that _one_ extra piece of litter that the city will suddenly be heaven on Earth. But none of them are willing to do what's _really_ needed. Except the Bat. He gets it. If only he'd trash that _one_ rule of his. Then this city _might_ actually have a chance.


	47. Five of Spades

**Philanthropists - Some one looking to help humanity. (Simple Definition)**

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House Of Cards**

**Five of Spades**

Speaking of _rules_. Listen here, rules are nothing but _lies_ made up by men too afraid to deal with the truth of society. The truth is _chaos _and_ anarchy_ are more capable of ruling the world then _men_ are. The world doesn't need anymore _philanthropists_. What it needs is a reality check.


	48. Eight of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Eight of Clubs**

Now _that_ was a _huge_ cockroach! Have you ever noticed how _dirty_ Gotham is? It's rancid. We need citywide exterminations and hose downs.


	49. Six of Diamonds

**Harleen Quinzel, future Harley Quinn, reasoned that the Joker was sane and therefore should be tried for the death penalty. Someone else has reasoned that the Joker is not insane, but has a form of "super-sanity" which conforms to deal with everyday life.**

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House Of Cards**

**Six of Diamonds**

You think I'm mad don't you. Well I am. In both senses of the word. I'm so mad that all of you aren't mad like me. Madness is the only way to be happy. Madness can adapt to the changes in the world around it and make sure that the person "afflicted" doesn't see the _shitty_ state of the world. It's the _real_ way to be "sane".


	50. Three of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**Three of Hearts**

What do you mean Batman just got in? I guess my Bat is on his _A-game_ tonight. Well then we'll be parting ways soon my little friends! And soon I'll be reunited with _my_ Bat! That's all that matters. But sometimes it seems like there's always a third "heart" between ours. It's _bothersome_. I want Batsy to myself! Is that so much to ask for? I'd even cut out crime if he'd just give me more attention! But _nooo._ There's always some _girl_. Like that Rachel.


	51. King of Hearts

**House Of Cards**

**King of Hearts**

And the thing about Rachel. She didn't even _want_ Bats! She wanted the King of _Bleeding Hearts_, Harvey Dent! Or should I call him _Two-Face_ now? Oh yes, that "_Hero_" of the people ended up being just as corruptible as _everyone_ else! I bet you didn't know that what with the police and their _flawless_ cover up job. He tried to shoot a kid! Be sure to tell that to the tabloid reporters who'll be _all_ over your asses after tonight.


	52. Five of Clubs

**House Of Cards**

**Five of Clubs**

Oooh I just _know_ I'll be leaving here with _loads_ of bruises. Batsy just _loves_ to mark his territory. And I just _adore_ being marked up by my Love.


	53. Six of Spades

**House Of Cards**

**Six of Spades**

_Well_. I just heard Batsy I think. Time to wrap this up. Six of Spades, for _you_, my adoring audience. Since there are _only_ six of you left. But don't worry, I'll remedy that.


	54. Joker Closing

**Well that's it. All of this done in one sitting. Now I have to run off to bed. I'm so TIRED!**

**R&R?  
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House Of Cards**

**Joker**

Well darling I promised to keep you alive didn't I? Poor sweetheart. First I kill your lover then I kill _everyone_ but you. You'll be my messenger. Tell the press about _everything_ you heard tonight. I want to read it _verbatim_ in the next day's paper. Got that? Ah yes the last card. Well it's the Joker again. There are always two in a deck after all and I _always_ close the show. Th-Th-That's All Folks!


End file.
